Five of the Most Insane Fast Food Selections

Welcome to the United Fat Asses of America. Hell, I'm a card carrying member myself and I have learned that its time to stay away from the poison known as fast food. I've been staying away from it for awhile now, and I'm starting to feel just a little bit better.

Fast lifestyles. High pressures. Long nights. Commercials. A McDonalds restaurant accessible about every 2 miles. A frozen food section where you can have a meal prepared in the microwave in 5 minutes. You fucking name it, we are guilty of it, including myself.

A lot of it is in the presentation. They have mouth watering pictures and "yummy" descriptions.

Now, I am no nutritionist, personal trainer, or a doctor. I won't tell you about diet and exercise. Consult the experts on that. However, I think its pretty safe to say that you don't have to know jack shit about nutrition to know that the following foods I am presenting to you, any reasonable person should probably stay away from. I will warn you that some of the following pictures might induce gagging.

5. KFC's Chicken and Biscuit Bowl

I will spare you any toilet humor on this one and just let your imagination do the work.

KFC's Description: "Our new bowl is a blend of mouth-watering KFC flavors and textures all layered together. We start with our signature mashed potatoes layered with sweet kernel corn and loaded with bite-size pieces of crispy chicken. Then we top with our homestyle white pepper gravy and sprinkle with our shredded three cheese blend. For the final touch, we tuck a buttermilk biscuit in the side."

RJ45 KFC ran out of ideas, so they decide "Hey, lets take the concept for Thanksgiving leftovers, take out Turkey, and throw in fried chicken."

I look at it as slop in a bowl, but maybe I'm just the romantic type.

Quick Nutrition Facts (aka "The Bad News"):

Calories: 870
Saturated Fat: 11 g
Trans Fat: 4.5 g
Sodium: 2420 mg

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Taco Bell's Description: "A warm flour tortilla loaded with hearty beans, seasoned rice, a blend of three cheeses, nacho cheese sauce, zesty sauce, and Fiesta Salsa."

RJ45: GOD DAMN, 3 kinds of cheese AND nacho cheese sauce?! On top of that, you have "zesty sauce," whatever the fuck that is. Add a little salsa and seasoned rice, and load that son of a bitch with some "hearty beans," (To quote the master himself, George Carlin,"Hearty as in heart attack!") and you got yourself a fucking cardiac nightmare.

Now, I know this is sadly the healthiest thing I present to you in this list. But the big thing you have to remember is that this bastard is on their Dollar menu. That means, you only got $2, get yourself one of these burritos and you will be "full" as the commercials present to us.

Quick Nutrition Facts:

Calories: 490
Sodium: 1380 mg
Total Fat: 20 g

3. Monster Thickburger

MMMM... YUM!

This little monstrosity is 2 1/3 pound Angus beef patties, 4 slices of bacon, and 2 or so slices of American cheese toped with mayonnaise. Holy shitballs, welcome to your last meal.

I've had this thing before and I felt like complete shit afterwards each time. It was fun!

Quick Nutrition Facts:

Calories: 1420
Total Fat: 108 g
Sodium: 2770 mg

2. In-N-Out Burger (Insert Anything 4 beef patties or more)

Okay, now that's just plain ridiculous!

Okay, this is just fucking ridiculous. In-N-Out Burger will basically make any size burger you want. People can order themselves 50 patties and 50 slices of cheese. Well isn't that just swell?

We don't have In-N-Out burgers here in the Midwest (which they should come here because we're probably the fattest part of America). However, from different people I know that have went there said that they tried a 50x50 or whatever they call it, and actually found many of the beef patties to be RAW. Raw as in not cooked, as in STILL MOOING.

Those may be isolated incidents, but even if the all the patties are actually cooked, something about the picture above still rings as NOT APPETIZING.

For just one layer...

Calories: 480
Total Fat: 27g
Sodium: 1000 mg

1. Luther Burger

Wow...

Okay, so what beat out the In-N-Out Burger and the Monster Burger? Now, from quick examination of the above burger, you might think its just a normal everyday greasy cheeseburger.

NOPE.

In the Luther Burger, which is served mostly in Georgia (more specifically, at the Atlanta Braves' baseball park), they don't use a bun.

Instead of a bun, THEY USE A FUCKING DONUT, traditionally a Krispy Kreme Donut.

After your stomach is done wrenching 100 times after hearing that, many of you ask "WHY?! WHY?! What good does it do for the human race?!" Well, at least I did, but then it hit me.

The one thing that the Luther Burger does do for society is it keeps Cardiologists AND Endocrinologists in business. Gotta keep that free market going! Imagine all the homeless doctors there would be if we didn't eat this sandwich? The blood is on your hands! So do your duty as an American, be a patriot, and eat a Luther Burger!

Available Nutrition Information (or lack thereof)

Calories: 1000
Total Fat: 45 g

In conclusion, the above food is gross.

In a more mature conclusion, people are going to eat whatever the fuck they want eat. Many people have no problems swallowing cum, so they're not going to have problems eating a donut with a beef patty inserted in the middle.

But, I think that people shouldn't blame McDonalds for making them fat, and suing them as a result. That's like people cocaine for making them a drug addict, when it was the person doing the cocaine that made them the drug addict. Hey, I'm very sympathetic to those with addictions. They're not easy to get rid of, and you never really do get rid of them.

And I am not saying that a person shouldn't treat themselves once in awhile. Fuck, I am not saying you shouldn't have McDonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. People are in charge of their own destinies.

Just, for the love of god, don't be ignorant when you eat this crap.

RJ45