5 Random Things More Awesome Than Your Face! #1

5 Random Things More Awesome Than Your Face!

Welcome to a new column titled "5 Random Things More Awesome Than Your Face! The point of this article is to point things that are totally freakin awesome in your life. Before we get to it, let me start off with some frequently asked questions...

Q: Hey, are you insulting my face?!

A: No, not at all. In fact, I am using your face as the basis for what is already awesome... if something is more awesome than your face, than it is really fucking
awesome!

Q: You're retarded

A: Well, you're retarded times infinity plus one. SO HA!

Q: What if I don't agree with you?

A: Then I take back my answer to the first question about not insulting your face!

There, now I have answered those questions in a mature and constructive manner, let me get to the 5 Things More Awesome Than Your Face!

1. The Stewie Griffith Sexy Party

Let us face it, how many times has life been so awesome, that you wanted to bust out into a sexy party? I know that I have!

It was so awesome, that corporate jerks had to cash in on it in a music video, which wasn't quite as awesome as the original Stewie's Sexy Party, but it is a sign that even the world agrees with me on the pure awesomeness that is the Sexy Party!

So to our crazy xenophobic sociopathic baby, I salute you!

If Alan Rickman is God disguised on Earth as a human, then I believe Jack Nicholson Satan is disguised on earth as a human... and it kicks ass.

Jack Nicholson has basically kicked ass at anything he has ever done in a movie, even if its a bad movie (e.g. Anger Management). He's also equally awesome at being a bad ass in real life. Many actors have described him as a guy who doesn't take crap from anybody, but provides some awesome insight into the twisted part of the world... kind of like how Satan would if he had a chance to be in the flesh.

So yes, Jack Nicholson... more awesome than your face!

I present to you the single most awesome thing to ever bust out whenever you are frustrated, bored, happy, or whatever. This emotion is the ultimate emotion for any occassion.

I am talking about... THE INVISIBLE SANDWICH!

If that cat wasn't awesome, how about the underground Black Metal band, Immortal?

Or this random guy!

Or even Al Gore!

Its awesome, and you should express yourself every now and then in the form of an Invisible Sandwich.

I know that many of you probably haven't heard of these guys, so it is about time you do! This is Manowar... other bands play, MANOWAR KILLS!

First of all, what other band can get away with writing such cheesy lyrics as this?

"There they wait in fear with swords in feeble hands
With dreams to be a King first one should be a man
I call them out and charge them all with a life that is a lie
And in their final hour they shell confess before they die

Brothers Everywhere
Raise you hands into the air
We're warriors
Warriors of The World
Like thunder from the sky
Sworn to fight and die
We're warriors
Warriors of The World " - "Warriors of the World United"

NOBODY! Manowar is the embodiment of what Power Metal is all about.

Okay, before you jump on my shit, allow me to explain why Big Bushy Bears are awesome.

For one, it takes a lot of fucking balls to voluntarily have a big bushy beard. If it isn't a requirement of your religion or job, growing a big bushy beard for the hell of it is a bold move. Not only that, but everyone will talk about your beard. Everyone will want to stick their hands in it just to see how thick said bushy beard is. It even becomes the topic of discussion at a dinner party.

In fact, I am wondering what the statistics are of random street muggings of people with Big Bushy Beards vs. Clean Shaven Men. I am willing to bet that, per ratio, Big Bushy Beard Men get less muggings.

Now, what if you are growing a beard involuntarily like, for instance, The Amish? Well, what do people talk about the most when it comes to The Amish? The lack of technology or those kick-ass beards? Kind of a toss-up when you think about it.

Santa Clause has a big bushy beard, and everyone loves St. Nicholas!

What about ZZ Top? Those guys are quite possibly the most kick ass band of all time, and much of their success is attributed to those beards!