Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias VI: People Are Just Fucked Up

Since I got such great feedback from the last edition, I have decided to go ahead and write another edition of "Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias!"

Why in the hell would I subject to myself to such agony and torture? A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I took a sex survey provided by PervScan.com (the greatest weird news website EVER) and it asked me if I had ever asked my lover to incorporate a catheter into foreplay. Needless to say, that was a huge WTF moment for me.

So, as a result, I wrote the first edition of this column, and it has sort of
kept going ever since then. Here is the previous entries in the series:

Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 1 - Because There is Enough Weirdos In This World For a Part 2 - Plush Toys, Flatulence, Noses, Balloons, "Unbirthing", and Getting Your Privates Pecked at by Chickens & Roosters

Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 2 - Apparently I Am Clinically INSANE To Actually Research This Stuff AGAIN - Being the Victim of a Robbery, Eyeballs, and Ants

Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 3 - Return of the Philias - Ghosts, Clowns, Dead Animals, and Turtles

Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 4 - Live Free or Fuck Hard - Pie Throwing, Jealousy, and Trees

Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias V: The Madness Continues! - Wearing clothes, anesthesia, the crippled, and religious and/or sacred objects.

So now we go with Part 5!

Objectophilia is a pronounced sexual desire towards particular inanimate objects. This is a rare form of fetishism and those with this expressed preference may feel strong feelings of arousal, attraction, love and commitment to certain items or structures of their fixation.

What I wonder is what kind of "Adult Stories" the Objectophilia community writes... does it go something like this?

After coming home from a long day work, there she was, just spreaded out and laying on our coffee table. She looked back up at me, all wet and juicy. This made me heart race. I was at first hestitant, but I couldn't help myself. I unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. I then grabbed her and put her right next to me.

"Why are you wet?" I asked her.

She didn't say anything, but I looked over and saw that a Pepsi was right next to where she was sitting. So, I pulled the drink coaster next to me and began to...

I mean really, how the fuck does that exactly work out?! How does one maintain a relationship with inanimate objects. Imagine being turned on by your filing cabinet! What the fuck kind of sick lives do these people lead?!

I can only imagine one relationship working out with an inanimate object. But, we aren't talking about just any inanimate object. We are talking about...

Now, I don't have a problem with 'deformed' or 'monstrous people at all. I am just one of those "Look for what is on the inside rather than the outside" kind of person. So, it bothers me when people use each other for sexual gratification whether you are totally hot or 'monstrous.'

Although, I am curious, what kind of sick thing happened in these people's childhoods to trigger this particular sexual attraction?! Were they raised by monsters? What could have inspired this?!

Another thing I wonder is if the film 300 is like porn for Teratophiles. These are the kinds of thoughts that keep me from getting that big promotion at work...

Ahh... so many questions will be left unanswered...

Kakorrhaphiphilia: sexual arousal from failure

Here is a group of people who I wouldn't want on my football team.... anyone with Kakorrhaphiphilia. Aside from having a name that not a damn person can pronounce in the least bit (which ironically causes us to fail), what the fuck kind of a sexual stimulant is that?! When is the simple act of failing going to make somebody tingle?

And is the sexual attraction to you yourself failing or is it the sexual attraction to other people who fail? If if its the latter of the two, my sister-in-law's boyfriend is the ultimate aphrodisiac for these people.

Then, there is the former. People who might be sexually attracted to themselves thinking. I got to thinking about this theory and maybe kakorrhaphiphilia can explain something that is going on in the world! I think that maybe I found found THE LEADING KAKORRHAPHIPHILE!

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