Was This Review Helpful To You? #10

Hey, its that time again! I frequent Amazon.com to find good writers. Its the one place where anyone can write a review and have it count, as opposed to a site like Rotten Tomatoes where they only depend on "critics." You know, the people who hate everything because their work has become just a job after all of these years as opposed to being a passion?

Over the course of looking for good writers, I have ran into some, well, rather crappy reviews. That is where this column comes in. There is no theme for this edition, these are just bad reviews I have collected over the past 2 weeks.

We all know that Amazon.com is a great place to find product reviews. However, some of the reviews I find are just...well...not right. Whether they are completely irrelevant, don't even mention the product at all, poorly written, or leave me speechless. This edition is some randomness. Since our opposition's position is about "bad reviews," I think it is time for a little education on what a bad review really is in this edition of Was This Review Helpful to You?

This review just upped and pissed me off. I generally remove the links for privacy reasons so people won't contact the reviewers to harass them. Well, not with this first one! I left his links and the link to where you can comment on that review.

Product: Pantera's The Great Southern Trendkill

Music for the brain-damaged, October 12, 2005

This is Pantera's 8th studio album, and wouldn't you know it, it's the same rancid garbage they have always been putting out since day one. More overexessive swearing and screaming, more banal drum beats and most importantly more mastrobatory half-@$$ed guitar riffs provided by our dead poser freind, Douchebag Darrle.

It is really sad how one band can constatly put out bad albums and keep going, most bands break up after a few bad albums, but not Panterible! It is really even sadder when that same band and their fan base thinks these pi$$ poor albums are actualy worth listening to. Still even sadder then that when people actually think this poser Dimebag was some kind of "LeGeNd" just because the media says he was.Lets get something strait here, just because you have a cool exotic looking guitar that cost more then your car, can play realy loud and look like a "Dukes of Hazzard" meets The Village People reject, does not mean you nessariliy have skill or talent.

So what else is new? Can anyone honestly tell the differance between any of this poser band's songs or albums? No, actaully you really can't, it's just another garbash can collection of teenage-rage in the form of loud, cr@ppy guitar riffs, crazy HaRdCorE angry sounding shouts and screams and angry sounding song titles reminisant of any B-rated horror flick, not to much differant from say Limp Bizkit, Korn or Slipknot. I would say that Pantera's music is equivilent to one of those teen-horror flicks; trys really hard to be scary, but ends up being a total comedy full of giant clishes and falling completely on it's face.

This guys are beyond bad, i don't even know where to begin on how awfully terrible these guys truly are. Imagine a horrible highschool metal band that plays half @$$ED Exhorder meets Lynard Skynard style songs. Now imagine that same untalented band getting all of the hype and praise from fans who probably have G.E.D.s and never read a book once in thier lives, which would clearly trick a recorded company into making the foolish mistake of signing them. This is what happened with Pantera, they started out as a foolish cover band and gained a overhyped following. Nothing more then a modern day Monkeys, designed to draw in bucks from gullible kids. Like the Monkeys, Pantera simpley can't play thier instraments, i know, i'v seen them live.

You want proof as to how bad these guys are? I was at one of their shows. They did a show down here in Antacrtica, they were so horrible that i felt completely cheated out of the $10 i paid for the ticket (yes, even for just 10 bucks, that is how bad it was). Dimebag sucked big time, he coulnd't even keep his guitar in tune! What a Horrendus guitar player, i'v seen better student guitarists in the Antarctica highschool band, how is this douche getting in magazines? When i heard of Dimebags demise, i was completly glad and happy for the world of music now that this douchebag was forever gone and that Pantera reforming would never become a reality. That day on dec 7 2004, the day this idiot met his maker, i heald a giant block-party. Fun $ Games, swimming, Video Games, Dances, hide and seek, spin the bottle, reanactments of dime's death, a public burning of a Washburn 442 and shot-gun target practice with Pantera albums. We played albums from a REAL guitarist with REAL talent as well, Micheal Schencker. Schencker is GOD! Schencker schools Dime in so wany ways it isn't even funny. It was one of the best times of my life, i will never forget it.

Pantera is IMHO the worst thing to happen to rock music since grunge or Nu metal. i hope that with time, people will start to see this band for the pathetic joke that they really are, much like Poison or Bonjovi are shamed upon these days.

  Comment | Was this review helpful to you? Making such comments about a traumatic moment for the people who survived the massacre and about a dead person...wow, now that takes class.

Pantera was a great band. It wasn't necessarily about the music. It was just fun. Songs like Fucking Hostile, Walk, Yesterday Don't Mean Shit, This Love, Great Southern Trendkill, Cowboys From Hell, Mouth For War, and so many more were fun songs. The music is fun. Songs like Cemetery Gates were one of those songs that you can just sit back in your chair, close your eyes, and soak in the music. They weren't your standard run of the mill Metal band. (although their music at times made you want to kick the holy shit out of someone at the same time)

Also, I can't take a guy as being too credible of a reviewer when he acts like a music "know it all" but still can't even spell the word "instrument" correctly. (or many other words)

Other relatively important misspellings found in Pantera hater's reviews:

wany - Wow, in so wany ways? DAMN! That is bad!

Monkeys - The good thing is that The Monkees weren't brought up in this review. That would have been blasphemous

clishes - Oh no! The clishes are falling! The clishes are falling! 

Darrle -Wow, which guitarist are you talking about dipshit?

heald - SAVE ME JEBUS!

Other ones I will let slide, but proof that he still sucks: Horrendus, i'v, coulnd't, reanactments, trys, thier, completly, and a dozen more!

Now, if you don't like Pantera, that's cool. Its not everyone's cup of tea. However, if you spent that much time trolling Amazon.com with crappy reviews in an effort to lower their ratings, what does that tell you about yourself? That you don't have a life? Perhaps, instead of telling people how much you hate Pantera, maybe you can...::gasps:: LISTEN TO SOMETHING ELSE! Its a freedom of choice that we are allowed. Trust me, as a guy who runs a music section on my website, I can tell that you do more harm to a band by not listening to them or buying anything of their's than you are giving them attention. Giving them attention makes people wonder what the fuss is about. They buy the CD out of general curiosity, and the band gets more money, whether the listener liked the album or not. Good job, dipshit.

Product: Devil's Got A New Disguise, The Very Best Of Aerosmith devils got a new disguise "winner' for Aerosmith", January 10, 2007 Reviewer: ace baxter (N. E. Ark.) This latest Aerosmith is a must have for all Aerosmith fans.  Was this review helpful to you? Wow! A must have? OKAY! I'll just blindly follow your unsupported claim! In reality, the best Aerosmith compilation that is a must have for those who just want the classic hits is O, Yeah!

Product: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (Unrated Widescreen Edition) Who doesn't love a good comedy?, February 18, 2007 Reviewer: T. Schiess "flamingonut" (New Milford, NJ)     Apparently the makers of this movie. Generally I don't apply my 2¢ to movies, but I couldn't hold back on this one. One word to sum up my review: awful. I had gotten this movie for $8; thankfully I didn't pay $20, or I'd be even more upset. Even the additional "Gag Scenes" was painful to watch. Was this review helpful to you? See, even he admitted that his review was awful! On a side note, Talladega Nights is probably the best comedy of 2006. If you haven't ever seen it, SEE IT! Saying Grace at the dinner table will never be the same again!

Product: George Carlin's Complaints & Grievances on DVD. NOTHING SHORT OF AMAZING, November 3, 2006 Reviewer: Joseph L. Laura -     GEORGIE DOES IT AGAIN. THIS MAN NEVER FAILS. BUY THIS DVD AND YOU CAN DIE HAPPY! Was this review helpful to you? Gee, that's a rather bold claim. What if someone doesn't die happy, then what are you going to do?! WHAT are you going to do? I'll tell you what you are going to do. You will be sad. You will be sad when a person dies unhappy, but had Complaints & Grievances. You will look back at your entire life and wonder why you ever wrote this review. Why you made this claim, and someone was driven to suicide because they never found happiness and thought that maybe they were the minority. THAT'S what is going to happen!

Extra: The Listmania!

You may see on Amazon.com products what is called "Listmania." Are you sure what this feature is for? I sure as hell don't. It seems like a poor man's version of Amazon's "So You'd Like To..." guides. 

Well, here is a Listmania that is titled "The 15 Greatest Albums of All Time." A

1.  Appetite for Destruction by Guns N' Roses says:   "Axl, Slash, Duff, Izzy, Steven ....PERFECTION!!" Average Customer Rating:

2.  Use Your Illusion I by Guns N' Roses says:   ""The fire is burnin' outa control, it`s not a problem u can stop it`s rock n roll"!" Average Customer Rating:

3.  Use Your Illusion II by Guns N' Roses says:   "It aint an easy decision between Uyi1 & 2, one had to cum off 2nd best tho" Average Customer Rating:

4.  Siamese Dream by Smashing Pumpkins says:   "If your in the mood this album cant be beaten" Average Customer Rating:

5.  Forty Seasons: The Best of Skid Row by Skid Row says:   "Taken mainly from their best 2 albums, "slave to the grind" and "skid row" this is a must for every true rocker" Average Customer Rating:

6.  Rage Against the Machine by Rage Against The Machine says:   "The most powerful album ever released!! "Know Your Enemy"!!" Average Customer Rating:

7.  G N' R Lies by Guns N' Roses says:   "Dont be fooled by the calm Acoustics.. "Nice boys dont play rock n' roll"" Average Customer Rating:

8.  Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by Smashing Pumpkins says:   "Criticized for being too long .. when it comes to a good thing "too much is never enough"" Average Customer Rating:

9.  Cross Road by Bon Jovi says:   "Not quite "the best" of Bon Jovi, but every song`s unreal" Average Customer Rating:

10.  Bring 'Em Bach Alive by Bach, Sebastian says: "Skid Row frontman, Sebastian "Baz" Bach, shows just why he`s one of the greatest of all time"  Average Customer Rating:

11.  Faith No More - Who Cares A Lot? The Greatest Hits by Faith No More says:   "a great album with the best of each FNM album, a great intro to the band" Average Customer Rating:

12.  Odyssey Number Five by Powderfinger says:   "Their best album to date, this band is incapable of making a bad song" Average Customer Rating:

13.  The Best of the Beast by Iron Maiden says:   "You should have a very sore neck if you listen to this album like you are ment to:)" Average Customer Rating:

14.  Gish by Smashing Pumpkins says:   "Short but very, very sweet, a great album from the young pumpkins" Average Customer Rating:

15.  Essential Bob Dylan by Dylan, Bob says:   "Probably the most influential artist of all time, this album offers a taste as to why" Average Customer Rating:

Looking at this list, I think my biggest gripe is with the selection of Greatest Hits albums. Greatest Hits are for people who like the band, but not enough to own the whole damn catalog, they just want the hits. Its always a great way of introducing someone to a band. For example, a better choice for Bon Jovi would have been Slippery When Wet instead of Cross Roads. They don't wind up on a Greatest Albums list! Everything else is relative. (Personally, I only see Appetite For Destruction being the only album listed here that even comes remotely close to the Top 15, but that is just me).

However, I have to say it... Skid Row? SKID ROW?!?!?! What's terrible about it is there's even ANOTHER album in there by the single worst member of Skid(mark) Row, the 'spandex-friendly David Lee Roth wannabe', Sebastian Bach. I recall WYLFWT.com's The Pick's great story about Skid Row.

I went to a KISS's Farewell Tour show years ago. KISS was great, but those butt holes, Skid Row, opened for them. When they opened up they were all like (in a deep gravily metal voice) "Tonight we say farewell to Kiss... and 'Hello' to Skid Row!"

Of course, that instantly got them boos. Their guitars were out of tune and they had no timing or presence on stage. It is probably one of if not THEE worst concerts I have ever seen.

So, in conclusion, this list sucks, as does most Listmanias!

That pretty much does it for today! As per usual, feedback is always appreciated!

RJ45

P.S. Was This Review Helpful To You?