Customer Support Best of May 2007

    Welcome to the May 2007 edition of everybody's favorite Customer Support Best Of newsletter!

 This newsletter basically highlights the best (best meaning worst) situation that we experienced while doing Customer Service. It is open to any call center, website, company, job, etc that involves you and a customer (whether internal or external) So if you got a buddy who does customer service somewhere else, that person's submissions are always welcome. Right now, we span submissions from several different companies. 

    Since I got promoted to a non-technical job (for the most part), it would be kind of silly for me to just leave this just at Technical Support at this point. So, the floor has been opened! You read the description above, so you know about what I am looking for.

    Also, I hate to be picky on this one (I really do, you know me), but please send your submissions through email and not orally (HEY NOW!). I barely remember my calls let alone someone else's. Submitting by email is more of guarantee that it will be included. I set them aside in a folder and go through them all. My brain...not so much.

    Just as a reminder, the newsletter censors customers information, and does not supply any potential privacy invasive information. I am basically doing my best to avoid breaking the ethical rules in which we are all bound by. Hey, the materials provided in and of themselves are pretty damn hilarious.

Here was the best of May:

SITUATIONS, NOTES, & TICKETS

    Some of these are the crazy ass situations we run into.

    Some of these are also notes submitted by "technicians" on accounts, or calls we received from other "technicians." You know, where things are "spelling optional," "thought process" optional, and/or, just overall stupid.

In these situations... Some take up the guitar. Those not good at the guitar take up Guitar Hero. OTHERS....

Customer called in to disconnect his services because he was bored? He said he did not know what else to do.

Everything but the reading part...

Customer was calling about a failed port to att@t called telephone center on his behalf we are not holding the number it is illegible for port

A bit dramatic there, aren't we?

Customer called in and wanted to cancel Internet, Verizon made a good offer but o no, no, no. I saved the his offered to upgrade to mc phone service and make it a double play and we won the battle customer now has phone & Internet!!

Ignorance sometimes doesn't ALWAYS work...

Called to dispute international calls, says did not know number he was dialing was international, Customer admits to dialing that number did not know the number was out of country, Customer made the calls and wants to dispute, Says never given phone user guide for number to call, gave customer number in phone user guide, sent guide also

Who says the movies you watch don't influence you?

Customer called in sounding drunk with multiple people in the back round cursing me saying to stick it up our a**. Wanting to have the adult movies she ordered removed from the bill. Customer admits that her boyfriend ordered them and there is a history of adult PPVs.

Rather shocking...

Customer called in said there was a down cable and that his daughter was shocked by it and stated he was calling a lawyer if not fixed today. advised our cables don't carry voltage however put in trouble call and called dispatch to try and get tech out today

The prelude to tonight's episode of COPS.

Customer states that the tech arrived at his sister, Cletus's house. His 7 year old niece answered the door and no adults were home. Tech apparently kept asking where her parents were. Cletus then got on the phone and said that a guard dog was watching the kid and that she be good enough. Told Customer that it wasn't my place to argue but we need reschedule the order.

CUSTOMER OF THE MONTH

These are all from one account. A good story of Karma! Fun times...

1. Customer wanted to know what she could do to not receive "ungodly" programming; suggested setting parental control settings on TV, or getting a digital box for parental control purposes; does not feel that she should have to and is not satisfied with the programming that she is receiving
    
2. Customer upset because when she dialed number at end of verification she reached a pornographic hotline/said she was "defiled". Listened to her verification recording and discovered she'd copied down the wrong number

Lame Field Technician Provisioning Excuses

My job as a tech support representative and what not involves also speaking to technicians on the field. When they install the internet, they have to register a customer's modem. A process which takes four minutes if they use a customer's computer, their handheld PDA, or their company provided laptop.

However, even THAT is too much work for them. So, they call us to have it do it for them. Some of them just straight up ask, most come up with some interesting excuses. Here is a list my team had developed. My comments are in (red)

A Story for the Ages

The following is all from a poor customer's one account with, quite possibly, the epitome of "The Mother-in-Law From Hell." Regardless of whatever truly went down, you can't help but still feel somewhat sorry for him...

• Woman says she is customer's wife. Can not give password to account. Offers me $1000 if I allow her access to account. Cold disco on caller.
   
• Customer calls in to complain about his mother-in-law trying to disco services. Confirmed with customer that services were not discoed. Customer now has password protected account.
   
• Woman claiming to be customer's wife called in. Says she wants to disco all services. Could not verify the social security number, address, or even spell the last name right.
   
• Customer says tech didn't arrive with modem. Notes on job state differently. Suggest Customer check with neighbor. Customer says he's been home all day. Woman in background started screaming that she hid the modem. Customer said he was tired of being married and asked if I was familiar with any divorce lawyers in his area. Disco'd call.
   
• Customer angry that modem cost $120. Said he could buy one cheaper at Wal-Mart. Explained to customer what a high risk customer is and also pointed out he signed agreement to buy modem. Customer says he didn't know what he was signing, he just signed it. Told customer that is no excuse, and must pay bill. Customer angry but agreed to pay.
   
• Customer called in saying outlet is ruined. Says his mother-in-law ripped the modem out of the wall and threw it into the yard. Customer thinks the modem will still work if we can replace outlet. Gave Customer free install for this.
   
• Customer calls back in, his mother-in-law ripped the modem out again, claiming the internet is only for porn and that he's cheating on her daughter via net. This time she LIT THE MODEM ON FIRE in the front yard. Customer needs new outlet, and new modem. Advised customer that he would have to pay for modem. Customer agreed.

THE CONVERSATIONS

RED = MUTE COMMENTS

I will take Unnecessary Questions for 200, Alex...

THE CONVERSATION OF THE MONTH:

CUST: I need to reschedule my install, I forgot about my appointment yesterday.
REP: No problem, let me go ahead and pull that up....
::Sees that someone cancelled the order when they shouldn't have::
REP: ::Mutters:: Those idiots
CUST: What? Those Idiots?
REP: I am going to need to put you on hold for a sec... I need to cuss for a little bit...
CUST: ::laughs:: Okay, I understand ::laughs some more::
::hold::

Thanks, y'all...don't forget to join in on the fun! If you think you have some good notes, hilarious conversations, classic notes, stupid customer e-mails, or something you would like to contribute to next Month's edition. LMK!

RJ-45