Customer Support Best of December 2007

CUSTOMER SUPPORT BEST OF DECEMBER 2007

Welcome to the December 2007 edition of everybody's favorite Customer Support Best Of newsletter!

THIS IS THE END OF OUR THIRD YEAR WITH THIS NEWSLETTER! WE WILL BE BEGINNING OUR FOURTH YEAR NEXT NEWSLETTER! EXCITING TIMES!

This newsletter basically highlights the best (best meaning worst) situation that we experienced while doing Customer Service. It is open to any call center, website, company, job, etc that involves you and a customer (whether internal or external). So if you got a buddy who does customer service somewhere else, that person's submissions are always welcome.

Just as a reminder, the newsletter censors customers information, and does not supply any potential privacy invasive information. I am basically doing my best to avoid breaking the ethical rules in which we are all bound by. Hey, the materials provided in and of themselves are pretty damn hilarious.

Here was the best of December:

SITUATIONS, NOTES, & TICKETS

Hey, you're lying! You must be on crack!

Tech went to phone install. Pulled up and saw three gentlemen in the front yard partaking in drugs. canceled order.

This one is a Two Parter!

Note #1. Put in transfer order to update the 911 address. Please do not touch the order. Do not disconnect the account, install it, provision it, or do ANYTHING at all without talking to me first. DO NOT TOUCH THIS ORDER AT ALL.

Note #2: Request manual cancels because somebody completely disregarded my note above.

A real go-getter...

Tech showed up late. Got out of the truck, looked at the house, and got back in said truck and left. Hasn't come back.

Haha... OWNED!

Sometimes, techs think they know more than they really do. Case in point; customer has a brand new Dell and as with all brand spankin' new computers there's a lot of unneeded software on the computer. The tech decides to rid the computer of all the trial software to speed it up a bit. Sine he knows exactly what he's doing, he decided to edit somethings in the registry as well. The customer tells him he heard there is a way to uncap a modem in the registry and thus get a higher speed. This is illegal, of course, but the tech doesn't know that. Instead of doing what a normal person would do, and Google search exactly how to go about this registry edit, the tech just starts clicking on things and changing numbers. Eventually, we get a call from Ole' Brilliant One stating we need to fill out an incident report. Curiosity got the better of me and I dared ask him why we were filling out a report on a brand new computer. He told me the back story and then finished with, "And now when you boot up it tells you to insert the Windows disk. The customer wants me to leave or I would fix it for them."

Right, because you did such a great job at "fixing" it up until this point.

SITUATION OF THE MONTH

Sub wants us to install her service, but does not want a tech to come out of her house. She says we can do it from here. Advised customer that we have no "magic" button.

E-MAILS

The individual, known around here as "Evil Homer" submitted some tech support emails he received. He works for a University...

Riiiggghhhtt....

"Hey [tech guy]...thanks for the tip. I deleted the old Virex, downloaded and installed the new program.

Now my question is, without wanting to restart my computer , will the McAfee program start up when rebooting or when I power on the machine?"

What Evil Homer wanted to respond with: "What the f#ck? Do you actually have a question or are you just that stupid?"

Irony: This customer is an actual professor of mathematics:

"I'm not sure if you are the right people to ask. If not, perhaps you could forward this message appropriately.

My question involves Martin Luther King day, which I note in the university calendar is observed on Jan. 21, 2008. When I was making plans for a short January vacation a couple of months ago I went to the website and could swear that MLK day was listed on January 14. I therefore scheduled my return (by plane) for January 15 since I teach on the MWRF sequence, and now it turns out that I will miss the first day of classes. Since the start of classes was the sole factor I had to look for when planning this trip, I'm sure that I paid close attention to the website, but of course it could be my mistake. So do you know if it is likely my mistake, or whether the website originally had it wrong? Thanks."

--this was in the Customer's email signature and I had to note it:

"Make a difference! Subtract!"

What EvilHomer wanted to respond with: "Sorry sir, but MLK is always observed on the third Monday in January. Due to your inability to follow State law you will need to take Remedial Math 101 in order to learn how to multiple 2 times 7 and add 1. I would go into detail with the mathematics, but that would be beating a dead horse . . . and "YES" it was your mistake!"

THE CONVERSATIONS

RED = MUTE COMMENTS

One Bad Slip Up
REP: How may I help you?
CUST: I am checking up on my phone order. I have a CONSUMATION NUMBER?
REP: Consumation Number?

A Wonderful Magical Gem

REP: Are you using a laptop?
TECH: No, it is a computer.

Bravely Bold Sir Robin bravely ran away!

CUST: The tech left my door step without even trying to do an install!
DISPATCHER: Okay, one moment!
::Gets on walkie to sort things out with tech::
Tech: There's no way I'm going in there! She has a huge dog!
Customer (overhearing our conversation): It's a toy poodle, I came to the door carrying it. I offered to put it in my bedroom until he left!

And the Golden Globe for Install Technician of the Year goes to...

INSTALL TECH: How do you plug the audio cables from the DVD Player from the TV?
DISPATCHER: I'm sorry... ... what do you mean?
INSTALL TECH: Which audio cable goes where?
DISPATCHER: Are you fucking kidding me? Red to red!
INSTALL TECH: Oh, so the red goes into the red thing on the TV!
DISPATCHER: ::HEAD DESK::

We're not just cable any more!

CUST: ::has given me her entire life story:: and now the power is out! I want the same guy back to fix this!
REP: Ma'am we're not the power company, we can't fix a power outage.
CUST: That is total bullshit, I bet the guy cut my power!
REP: You said he left 2 hours ago, and just now lost power. If he cut your power, it would have been shut off immediately.
CUST: Whatever, you guys know how these things work, I don't!
REP: ::rolls eyes so hard she can probably hear it:: I suggest you call your power company.
CUST: I DID! I'm talking to you, aren't you?
REP: OK, we're your CABLE company, we don't control your power.
CUST: I'm hanging up with you. I'm going to call back and get someone willing to do their job!

Guaranteed that your IQ will drop a few points just from reading this or your money back!

DISPATCHER: How can I help you today?
TECH: It's lightning out. Do you think I should go ahead and fix the drop from the phone pole, or wait?
DISPATCHER: ...

THE CONVERSATION OF THE MONTH:

REP: How may I help you?
SUB: I took a day off for this install. The tech called me three times. He knocked on my door for apparently several minutes. The dog was barking for awhile. I finally went up there, he was leaving. I wish he would have communicated a little better.
REP: ... ... .... I'm sorry, did you want us to shoot some flares?

RJ-45